


Cool Hawke has Chill Day Episode IV: The Empire Strikes Back

by Mème Brûlée (trixsters)



Series: Cool Hawke has Chill Day [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Gen, Self-cest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-03 21:26:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5307458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trixsters/pseuds/M%C3%A8me%20Br%C3%BBl%C3%A9e
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything in Kirkwall is falling apart and it's up to Money Hawke to find out why</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cool Hawke has Chill Day Episode IV: The Empire Strikes Back

**Author's Note:**

> I finally got Inquisition! W00t! I'm so excited I just had to put a little connector in here. So here goes! Enjoy! =v=

4 moths have past. Anders is nowhere to be seen. He's generally assumed dead, considering he was crushed by Asshat when he crashed through the ceiling of the Viscount's Keep. But then….…things got Weird in Hightown.

Money Hawke couldn't' make money. He had somehow lost his touch, and ever since that one fateful day, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. Something was preventing him from getting that cash money—something…supernatural. He had his own suspicions because of this, but when Cool Hawke was kicked out o`f the Templar Order, that's when he knew that something was Up. Cool was quite possibly the best Templar he had ever known! Why would she suddenly be kicked out? Then it got worse. Asshat was…less of an asshat. He started doing almost normal things, like not eating toast that landed butter-side down on the floor. Leandra was relieved, but everyone else, especially that tit Carver, was Highly Uncomfortable. What the fuck, he literally just threw away buttered toast.

But then…she came. There was a new Hawke in Hightown. She was tall…mysterious…sexy. She had the same slick, raven hair, the same crusty blood swipe over her nose, but she had crystal blue orbs as opposed to Asshat whose eyes were the color of honey brown light reflecting through a whiskey bottle. She was Dunkass Hawke.

"WHa? What the FUCK?" Asshat exclaimed upon seeing her. "No. No no no. You must be mistaken. I am the True Hawke of this timeline. You have to go."

"Nah" Dunkass replied. She wasn't really feeling it.

"THE F UCK!" Asshat began to get red in the face. The fuck. Why wasn't she listening to him. Just then, Dunkass pulled something out of her pocket.

"Hey check this out" she said, taking the staff off of her back. "Do you know what I do with this?" she asked. He shook his head no. "I shove this up my enemies ASSES" she nearly screamed, smirking a wide, toothty grin.

"Holy SHIT" Asshat replied. He, too, shoves his staff up his enemies' asses. "I can't believe this. Are you like….my soulmate?"

"Either that or your sister probably. Maybe both. Who cares!" That's when they started getting funky, just straight up getting it on in the middle of Hightown, and everyone left. Like literally who wants to see Asshat getting freaky with probably his twin sister. Desgusting.

"OK…OK…IM OUT. THAT'S TOO MUCH…" exclaimed ex-templar Linaerys "Cool" Hawke. "Tru…" ex-money-maker Sam "Money" Hawke agreed. They got the fuck outta there because they aint into that incest shit like Asshat and Dunkass are. What they didn't realize was that Dunkass wasn't Asshat's blood sister afterall…..she was Asshat from a parallel universe. They didn't know that their continued existence in the same universe would soon cause a shift in reality…..a rip in the fabric of the universe maybe…a hole in the Fade…. (The Breach :0)

Anders pushed the rubble off of his head that he had been under for 4 months with a look of horror crossing his face. "No…NO…." he screech. He knows it is Coming.


End file.
